ROOOOAAAAADDDD TRIP!!

i would hardly call this a road trip, me and the homie joseph are heading down to City of Broken Dreams (The Angel City, LA, SoCal) today right after work. so prolly leave the bay 6 at the latest, 6 hour drive...be there around 12pm? well ha, depending whos driving. anyway, we are there for one day then we gotta shoot back up here by Thursday night. this morning i woke up late for work, totally forgot to pack so i gotta do that when i get home, but also this morning i had the persistent feeling of wanting to cheat on my Lenten promise of eating meat. Nothing sounded better this morning that a nice big plate of bacon...and maybe some buttered toast. ooh oh oh with a nice fluffy yet crispy edged waffle, with baked in bacon and dried crunchy syrup granules. **droool** i SAID i thought about it, thought about it long and hard. also about cheating since i wont be in the bay, it would like "count" right? but then i realized this is just a test, so i might as well not cheat on the diet. i got what, like a week or so? i got this...its in the bag..... hummm i think im done...thats it, maybe i'll open a tumbler... well i guess this is the last post on CmC is Not HERE LEAVE A MESAGE....YOUR MOM GOES TO COLLEGE. thanks its been fun, but i need a new fresh start! wipe the slate clean then clap the erases out like i got detention or something...

lets just ctl + alt + del

helllo friends long time no talk...

well its been a hellish few months since i last blogged...actually i think its almost been a year? yes we'll just call it a year. anywho, a lot. A SHITLOAD, if you will, has gone on since. i dont care to bother all of you with the minor detail of the last 12 or so months. if you know me personally, then you would know the issues...

all i can say is that, its been crazy; and crazy does not do it justice. if i were a better vocabularist, i'd prolly use something like, uhh, incongrous or even preposterous. its gonna be hard to dance around telling stories of my life without touching a little on the situations of the last year. so as it comes up, i'll try my best to give a synopsis of the backstory, but as you all know, i like to talk a lot and often dominate the conversation. i digress...

soo, ive been thinking about what has happened, good or bad, it was an experience. although my mind wants me strongly to just ctrl/alt/delete the last few months and just start over, clean slate, i think i needed this all. its all like a reality shoulder check. kind of like when you were a kid, you believed in the toothfairy, Easter Bunny, Santa Clause, Thanksgiving ToFurkey...then you grew up and realized they were all fake. yea it hits you kinda like that. back to my main point, this was all an experience AND compared to some my friends, my experiences get me through certain situations where i find my friends struggling. i often get frustrated because i say to myself "if they would just do this...and that...blah blah...they'll be in a better situation". i gotta remind myself that maybe they havent delt with this before, they havent had this experience. i might have and however i delt with it, might not work for them. the same goes for the opposite, when my friends try to help me with something i struggle with, it maybe easy for them because they've had their own experience. i gotta keep my mind open like that.

so you can see why im bat-shit-crazy. i got tons to think about, like chess, im always trying to think my next move, consequences, weighting my options...all that shit! in my life, i suppose simply ctl/alt/deleting a situtations, really wont be in my benefit. i was watching Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind...i dunno if i got that title right, but if you havent seen it, its a story about trying to forget an ex, by deleting them from your mind. as the Carl Thomas song states "i wish i never met her", that statement holds completely true, well to me in my circumstance, BUT without this chance encounter...a whole bunch of other things might have not happened. for how much i want to delete that faithful day, i still wouldnt give it up.

not that im still in love with her, nor am i trying to hold on in hopes, but she gave me an experience. some lesson to learn, something that im prolly still learning right now, the lesson aint over. i just want to walk away with a better mind and insight and better decsion making skills. so thank you, im not being a dick and being all sarcastic with that 'thank you'. its sincere and really thank you, you showed me what i REALLY want in life. no resentment, im just lookin to move on.

with-that all said, the past is past, the present is here, the future is still yet to be written. im inspired to jump back on this blog and write because of my best friend, Abi. her blog is dope awesome and this rant i just went off will not hold a candle to hers, but imma try! i know i can do one thing better than her in the bloggin world....VLOGGIN! *challenge* i'll try to start posting vlogs cuz i do those better than these.

so no need to hard-reset my life, ctl/atl/delete is strictly reserved for your computer, when you have been looking at too much porn and all the pop-ups flood your screen. if it seems like a mistake, it prolly was, but live the experience. breathe it, feel it, submerge yourself in it. if you trust yourself, you'll make it out alive, but alway make sHure you lear from it.

...we could of had it all... (i like Adele's original version, but i John Legend does a great job on this cover)

IM BACK....

ive written and deleted this blog a few times....


lets face it. i cant get over her.

FUCK MY LIFE


im hopeless!

These Songs....

Cupid
Tenderoni
Rock Wit Cha
Bedrock
Knock you Down
Rockin that thang
Come Close
Im So Into
Sunshine
I love you
Find A Way
Never Been In Love Before
The Light
Spread My Wings
Nothing On You
Get Up On IT

if you read my blog....

he speaks....

why trust...why trust the heart?

i had a talk with my best friends last night. one of the messages i got out of it is that i need to put my head over my heart. but i like to think that thats what separates me from other people. i love. i love whole-heartedly. i understand that love will hurt. the greatest thing in this world is love...why not risk that hurt for it? like i said i guess that whats makes me different from everyone else. i'll be a fool for love.

i feel empty, i feel alone, i feel angry, i feel sad...i feel lost...i feel numb. i cant eat, i cant sleep without gettin drunk. and all i think about is her. everyone reminds me that its not my fault. but why does it feel that way. i know its not.

i just wanted to make her happy. thats all. be there for her. love her.

im just being positive...or maybe its wishful thinking.

but i dont want to be over her...i dont want to give her up.....

torn...

you're makin me CHOOSE? between my heart n my family. i love my family very much, dont put me in this position. ive tried to explain, my side, where im coming from, and you choose not to listen or care or even understand.
theres a few things i cherish in my life, fam n friends. thru my life ive only wanted to be happy. happy with MY choices and HAPPY with my mistakes, cuz i can only learn from them. let me live. let me be. let me love.
but in this case, i want to go with my heart. its never failed me.
family will always be family.

and you say that im immature? im sorry i got a few years on you. AND like i said. ive gone thru soo much that you cant possibly understand. ive grown up. ive did my dirt.
you never seemed happy that i was happy.

its fine hate me. hate ur friends...dont learn to talk things out. ive lost many friends in my life....and often i regret losing those people. sometimes u just gotta suck it up and speak. we live in a social world, we cant make it here alone....and thats what i never wanted to be, alone. but you may have just contributed to it.

ups and downs....

this week has been a rollercoaster of a week. something that a manic depressive would call insane. i live my life with few principles, only to keep it simple because io realized life is simple, its peoples view on the world that make life difficult. live whole-heartedly, love and love everyone important to you and be open to be loved but pretty much live as if there were no tomorrow. so if it seems like i often go overboard with things its because i care that much. its because nothing is ever promised in life. if you want it that bad, do it, take it...whatever way or how. my 6th grade teacher gave me the most doublesided advice ever and ive tried to live it every day of my life. she told me "this is prolly the worst way to phrase it, but someone once told me, 'if your going to be a thief, be the best thief in the world"
i took this in somewhat of a literal sense. but i applied it to many other facets of life. if you love, love with all your heart. thats who i am, thats what kind of person ive grown up to be. my life as with anyone else hasnt been perfect, but ive tried to live the happiest i can be. more often than not, tho ive been making other people happy. for how much that gives me a sense of accomplishment n joy, ive only once enjoyed that happiness reciprocated to me. im always told "dont you want to see them happy?"..."isnt their happiness more important than yours?"
well...its come to the point where...i want to be that happy. can i be selfish without being judged or looked like an asshole? im gettin to the point where i dont care. its been disappointment after disappointment and im pretty shure that ive become some kinda inside joke among my friends and collegues. i often dont mind to be the butt of the joke to make people laugh, but it gets tiresome.
i choose not to dwell in the past, but when something scars your heart soo much, you never forget. you may get over it, but the scartissue remains. without gettin too personal, lets just say i let my friend be "happy". it all turned out to be great for all parties, but i never wanted to experience the hurt that i did to myself again. its happening again to me, and im allowing it.
i dunno, maybe im addicted to just being hurt. cuz if i wanted to i could just let this go. but i dont want to. it hurts, but i do not want to let go...