...and i still havent found, what im looking for...

im no bitch. im no punk, im not an idiot, im nobodys fool.
what lays ahead of me is a long, bumpy journey. sadly, ive been down this road before. numbness. im worried for myself. how long, how much longer. but its not even a question bout time. everyone hopes for the best of me, but when will i just give up hope? giving up just seems the best way to deal with anything, but why the hell do i still proceed. resilient? brandon told me i was resilient...am i? a close friend once told me that, you cant just settle. settle for anything. i'd like to believe that i never ever had to just settle when it came to important descisions in my life. why sell yourself short? right? why is it then when the thing that i want, whole-heartedly, i long for, that burns me from within...is my shortcoming? my character flaw...is b right? am i focusing my time too much on that that escapes me? my happiness, depends on others? can this be true? searching thru myself the last few days, ive learned there is some truth to it. as long as my friends are happy, i'll be content. cant say happy, only cuz deep down, i wish i could be as happy as they are. but i'll be happy for them that they found something that keeps them content. something that takes their mind of other things that plague their life. you may say it. but do you guys wish that kind of happiness for me? im the type of person that will bleed for you, you call me your friend, show me that i am your friend...i will show you how much you mean to me. i kno there is never a straight answer for anything in life. but at times like this i just wish that there were. i just wish that a switch could just turn off the pain and anguish. there are times when i just want to give up, but i have this everlasting, fighting spirt in me. what am i dumb? am i too optimistic? do i hope that the world is as resilient and hopeful as me? i wish...but i dont know. all i can hope for are the warm longing arms of time. time. please forgive me, if im not happy. i know you understand. im just hoping that time will help me get thru this. but to please you i will. dont take to offense what im saying. its just a way i deal with things, i write it down. helps me search my life....but i still havent found what im looking for.