its 3 am and i just got home from icon. i had a horrilbe night...without gettin too much into detail, i wanted punch this bitch who was bothering me in the DJ booth, i dont hit ladies but i'll shake a bitch. 2nd another actualization of mines came tru, remember that winning record that i spoke about...(2-0) yea well chalk up another win for my intuition n horrilbe fortune. (3-0) thats right, life 3, CMC 0. and i guess i have no one to blame but myself, for feeding into peoples blind faith in my own life. i remember talkin to someone that i didnt want to get "in too deep" so to speak. well i allowed that to happen, my weak self, i thought i was heading somewhere, when i was staying in the same spot. i didnt speak, i didnt say anything its all my fault. and you know what it hurts more that way. i guess my mom was right, i wasnt meant for great or good things.
as i write this, i seriously contempated about quitting. quitting djing. the one thing that i told people can make me happy when im at my worst. but when that doesnt even work, what the hell am i suppose to do. im not quitting cuz im gettin old, im not quitting cuz im untalented it, but because it reminds me everything. and i know i'll see people that will keep reminding me of my failure, over and over again. i said im thinking bout it.
in my current situation, i already have a feeling what people are gonna say..."be happy for that person", "christian you are so selfish". but all that recycles in my head is that when will other people be happy with me or for me myself. when can i be selfish, when i try to be so self-less....and i just get stepped on. lied to. i never really was ever a dick, a douchebag, a liar, a cheater....i never was any of those, but i was and am not perfect, mistakes are made. but in general i am a good guy/person. i may slip up here and there but im a good person.
why am i takin it this hard? ive been thru this before....heartbreakingly too many times.
and why do i even keep trying....
and you know what, i know i havent been favorable with some certain people, if youre gonna talk shit, just do it to my face, i honestly dont care what you have to say to me. its like nothing matters to me now, bring your worst. we may have had our squabbles, but if u feel the need to, go ahead kick me when im already down, hey maybe i deserve it.
and to the other people who just laugh behind my back, keep secrets and really just think im some kind of joke, have your laugh. and i hope youre happy with it. its cool i was never wanted in the status that i am now. i worked hard to get where im at, but if im just some kinda joke to you. so be it, i never thought you guys were my peers anyway, if i quit or not i'll always know in my heart that i was ALWAYS better than you, douchebag.
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1) i wish i was there to punch the bitch for you. what happened?
2)you shouldn't quit djing, because i can see that you love it, that it makes you happy when you do it.
3) for the people who talk shit about you, they're just jealous, and you know that. they're jealous because of your success, and jealous that they couldn't do the things that you're accomplishing right now.
you keep going, keep trying for yourself, to try and make yourself happy....as long as it takes. don't quit on yourself now...you've only just begun to live your life. <3
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