ROOOOAAAAADDDD TRIP!!

i would hardly call this a road trip, me and the homie joseph are heading down to City of Broken Dreams (The Angel City, LA, SoCal) today right after work. so prolly leave the bay 6 at the latest, 6 hour drive...be there around 12pm? well ha, depending whos driving. anyway, we are there for one day then we gotta shoot back up here by Thursday night. this morning i woke up late for work, totally forgot to pack so i gotta do that when i get home, but also this morning i had the persistent feeling of wanting to cheat on my Lenten promise of eating meat. Nothing sounded better this morning that a nice big plate of bacon...and maybe some buttered toast. ooh oh oh with a nice fluffy yet crispy edged waffle, with baked in bacon and dried crunchy syrup granules. **droool** i SAID i thought about it, thought about it long and hard. also about cheating since i wont be in the bay, it would like "count" right? but then i realized this is just a test, so i might as well not cheat on the diet. i got what, like a week or so? i got this...its in the bag..... hummm i think im done...thats it, maybe i'll open a tumbler... well i guess this is the last post on CmC is Not HERE LEAVE A MESAGE....YOUR MOM GOES TO COLLEGE. thanks its been fun, but i need a new fresh start! wipe the slate clean then clap the erases out like i got detention or something...

lets just ctl + alt + del

helllo friends long time no talk...

well its been a hellish few months since i last blogged...actually i think its almost been a year? yes we'll just call it a year. anywho, a lot. A SHITLOAD, if you will, has gone on since. i dont care to bother all of you with the minor detail of the last 12 or so months. if you know me personally, then you would know the issues...

all i can say is that, its been crazy; and crazy does not do it justice. if i were a better vocabularist, i'd prolly use something like, uhh, incongrous or even preposterous. its gonna be hard to dance around telling stories of my life without touching a little on the situations of the last year. so as it comes up, i'll try my best to give a synopsis of the backstory, but as you all know, i like to talk a lot and often dominate the conversation. i digress...

soo, ive been thinking about what has happened, good or bad, it was an experience. although my mind wants me strongly to just ctrl/alt/delete the last few months and just start over, clean slate, i think i needed this all. its all like a reality shoulder check. kind of like when you were a kid, you believed in the toothfairy, Easter Bunny, Santa Clause, Thanksgiving ToFurkey...then you grew up and realized they were all fake. yea it hits you kinda like that. back to my main point, this was all an experience AND compared to some my friends, my experiences get me through certain situations where i find my friends struggling. i often get frustrated because i say to myself "if they would just do this...and that...blah blah...they'll be in a better situation". i gotta remind myself that maybe they havent delt with this before, they havent had this experience. i might have and however i delt with it, might not work for them. the same goes for the opposite, when my friends try to help me with something i struggle with, it maybe easy for them because they've had their own experience. i gotta keep my mind open like that.

so you can see why im bat-shit-crazy. i got tons to think about, like chess, im always trying to think my next move, consequences, weighting my options...all that shit! in my life, i suppose simply ctl/alt/deleting a situtations, really wont be in my benefit. i was watching Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind...i dunno if i got that title right, but if you havent seen it, its a story about trying to forget an ex, by deleting them from your mind. as the Carl Thomas song states "i wish i never met her", that statement holds completely true, well to me in my circumstance, BUT without this chance encounter...a whole bunch of other things might have not happened. for how much i want to delete that faithful day, i still wouldnt give it up.

not that im still in love with her, nor am i trying to hold on in hopes, but she gave me an experience. some lesson to learn, something that im prolly still learning right now, the lesson aint over. i just want to walk away with a better mind and insight and better decsion making skills. so thank you, im not being a dick and being all sarcastic with that 'thank you'. its sincere and really thank you, you showed me what i REALLY want in life. no resentment, im just lookin to move on.

with-that all said, the past is past, the present is here, the future is still yet to be written. im inspired to jump back on this blog and write because of my best friend, Abi. her blog is dope awesome and this rant i just went off will not hold a candle to hers, but imma try! i know i can do one thing better than her in the bloggin world....VLOGGIN! *challenge* i'll try to start posting vlogs cuz i do those better than these.

so no need to hard-reset my life, ctl/atl/delete is strictly reserved for your computer, when you have been looking at too much porn and all the pop-ups flood your screen. if it seems like a mistake, it prolly was, but live the experience. breathe it, feel it, submerge yourself in it. if you trust yourself, you'll make it out alive, but alway make sHure you lear from it.

...we could of had it all... (i like Adele's original version, but i John Legend does a great job on this cover)

IM BACK....

ive written and deleted this blog a few times....


lets face it. i cant get over her.

FUCK MY LIFE


im hopeless!

These Songs....

Cupid
Tenderoni
Rock Wit Cha
Bedrock
Knock you Down
Rockin that thang
Come Close
Im So Into
Sunshine
I love you
Find A Way
Never Been In Love Before
The Light
Spread My Wings
Nothing On You
Get Up On IT

if you read my blog....

he speaks....

why trust...why trust the heart?

i had a talk with my best friends last night. one of the messages i got out of it is that i need to put my head over my heart. but i like to think that thats what separates me from other people. i love. i love whole-heartedly. i understand that love will hurt. the greatest thing in this world is love...why not risk that hurt for it? like i said i guess that whats makes me different from everyone else. i'll be a fool for love.

i feel empty, i feel alone, i feel angry, i feel sad...i feel lost...i feel numb. i cant eat, i cant sleep without gettin drunk. and all i think about is her. everyone reminds me that its not my fault. but why does it feel that way. i know its not.

i just wanted to make her happy. thats all. be there for her. love her.

im just being positive...or maybe its wishful thinking.

but i dont want to be over her...i dont want to give her up.....

torn...

you're makin me CHOOSE? between my heart n my family. i love my family very much, dont put me in this position. ive tried to explain, my side, where im coming from, and you choose not to listen or care or even understand.
theres a few things i cherish in my life, fam n friends. thru my life ive only wanted to be happy. happy with MY choices and HAPPY with my mistakes, cuz i can only learn from them. let me live. let me be. let me love.
but in this case, i want to go with my heart. its never failed me.
family will always be family.

and you say that im immature? im sorry i got a few years on you. AND like i said. ive gone thru soo much that you cant possibly understand. ive grown up. ive did my dirt.
you never seemed happy that i was happy.

its fine hate me. hate ur friends...dont learn to talk things out. ive lost many friends in my life....and often i regret losing those people. sometimes u just gotta suck it up and speak. we live in a social world, we cant make it here alone....and thats what i never wanted to be, alone. but you may have just contributed to it.

ups and downs....

this week has been a rollercoaster of a week. something that a manic depressive would call insane. i live my life with few principles, only to keep it simple because io realized life is simple, its peoples view on the world that make life difficult. live whole-heartedly, love and love everyone important to you and be open to be loved but pretty much live as if there were no tomorrow. so if it seems like i often go overboard with things its because i care that much. its because nothing is ever promised in life. if you want it that bad, do it, take it...whatever way or how. my 6th grade teacher gave me the most doublesided advice ever and ive tried to live it every day of my life. she told me "this is prolly the worst way to phrase it, but someone once told me, 'if your going to be a thief, be the best thief in the world"
i took this in somewhat of a literal sense. but i applied it to many other facets of life. if you love, love with all your heart. thats who i am, thats what kind of person ive grown up to be. my life as with anyone else hasnt been perfect, but ive tried to live the happiest i can be. more often than not, tho ive been making other people happy. for how much that gives me a sense of accomplishment n joy, ive only once enjoyed that happiness reciprocated to me. im always told "dont you want to see them happy?"..."isnt their happiness more important than yours?"
well...its come to the point where...i want to be that happy. can i be selfish without being judged or looked like an asshole? im gettin to the point where i dont care. its been disappointment after disappointment and im pretty shure that ive become some kinda inside joke among my friends and collegues. i often dont mind to be the butt of the joke to make people laugh, but it gets tiresome.
i choose not to dwell in the past, but when something scars your heart soo much, you never forget. you may get over it, but the scartissue remains. without gettin too personal, lets just say i let my friend be "happy". it all turned out to be great for all parties, but i never wanted to experience the hurt that i did to myself again. its happening again to me, and im allowing it.
i dunno, maybe im addicted to just being hurt. cuz if i wanted to i could just let this go. but i dont want to. it hurts, but i do not want to let go...

Negatives to Positives to Negatives

if anything in this life that ive learned is that everyone is NOT CREATED equal, we are all our own individual-selves. what may work for one person may not work for me. im not going to lie, im depressed, im misrable. and yes i get it, people dont like to see me like this. but thru it all ive always have a small tiny bit of positivity. why? Hope. hope...positive and negative. i know you all think im a crazy person, my logic has been overshadowed by my emotions. and im letting it.
to feel love, not matter how much the rejection the heartbreak that it might end in, but to feel it for the split second is better than any feeling in the whole world. im honestly jealous of people who are in love, you feel it, or should feel it all the time.
if it seems like i fall in love soo fast, thats not the case. its because i want to fall in love i want to give it all. why give less than what i have. and believe me i have a lot of love stored up.
alls im saying is let me believe let me hope, cuz in the end one day it'll all be for the better. one day.

The world turns its back on me...

When you smiled you had my undivided attention. When you laughed you had my urge to laugh with you. When you cried you had my urge to hold you. When you said you loved me, you had my heart forever.

for the Umpteenth time....

im back on the salad diet. uppin the workin out. personally, im really not doing it for my health. but i dont wanna be one of the millions of overweight americans who MUST, purchase two tickets if they cant fit in one chair, who MUST shop at XL stores and purchase XXXXL clothings. or be forced to pay thousands in medical bills, or even to be laughed at by young kids on the bus...
while neither of these things i am close too...my reason, Vanity. i just wanna fit into my skinny jeans? word?
now i know that eating right isnt the whole shabang to get into my H&M skinny jeans...a workout is definately needed. so if anyone has an effective workouts i'll take it...sooo far right now im running again, kinda afraid to go to the gym...cuz everyone is puttin in their 15 mins of resolution time. i'll go when everyone breaks their resolutions.

QUOTE!!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. . . . It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.
-- Erica Jong

Cheers

.....i think i love her....










ummm, yea i do

the 1st

i only want to tell you that i love you
i only want to tell you that i care
i want to spend time with you, but things just get in the way
im fearful of what others will say
im afraid that im not what you want
i dont want to be those other guys
i only want to make you happy
as you make me feel

2009 Year End Wrap-Up

ive erased and rewritten this blog, bout 4 times...
what i want to say about this year is that it was a blur, ive done soo many things, i really cant keep track.
id want to say my turning point of this year has to be moving out. with percise percision...the events that lead up to where i am now couldnt have been more perfect. the people in an out of my life could have only played out like acts in a play, people appear and play their part and exit...stage left.
but theres the stars...the ones that stay throughout the show, the main players. this year it couldnt have been any better, with my cousins. the theme of this year reconnecting. my cousin mylee brought up the point, that me an tinny never really hung out as we were growing up. and even with lino, we didnt reconnect till after college. but now they both in my life and i wouldnt have it any other way. along with with reconnecting with tin, she introduced/reintroduced me to someone from my past. that person is changin my life one day at a time. even though she doesnt think so she does. id have to say because of bringing this special person back into my life, tin has takin the award for person who has made the most impact on my life this year.
so this wrap up wasnt really a wrap up....more like a thank you
Bring it 2010!

its written in the stars....

not too long ago i had a converstation with BBF #1, the subject of what we were talkin isnt really important in this statement, but the idea of destiny popped up. im prolly butchering the hell outta this, but she says the italians believe in "destino" or something like that...basically, everything is written for you. i usually like to think that i like to control my own life. but that good ol' saying "everything happens for a reason" comes into play.
so destiny, as many people, including myself, believe that we run and have our own destiny in our hands...but whats not to say..."because i did this and that and this earlier in my life, i came to this conclusion"
im starting more and more to believe in this destiny thing, just let life play out and sort the cards out later. i look into my past and often think, how would my life been if this incident didnt happen or if i never met this person. but if u think about it, it wouldnt have brought you to the point that i am at now. or who knows i may have taken longer to get to where im at now. in general, im content with the people i know now and with what has happened to me. every bad experience i take as a lesson, every good experience i take as a blessing. everyone, good or bad, has played a unique role into molding me into the person i am right now, at this very moment. how i think, how i act, how i love, how i care...
heres some real life examples...
if me n sheena never kept gettin ditched and all of a sudden we get stuck with each other for one night, i dont think we would have ever been the best of friends. or if i never started ROE...i would have never met my other best friend Abi. or if i never started ROE, would i be as successful as i am now...
destiny, as simple as it is, can hold the keys to someones life. we may not know what will happen next, but trust, life wants you to thrive...

Simplicity is Beauty

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Lately ive been thinking bout things that i think myself is beautiful, all because of its pure simplicity.
Take for example....the 6-4-3 double play. When executed with percison looks just like a flip of the wrist. Ive played baseball, when practiced over and over again, it become second nature. Its soo simple and yet beautiful as the ball rounds the bases and the play dies in the first baseman's glove. Such a simple act can swing the inning towards the defensive team it can also be a game winning out...beautiful.

My good friend Abi gave me this idea that i'll elaborate on. Seeing an older couple holding hands. I know you must be thinking, who give a shit, Yet i remind you its the simplicity of if that we see the beauty. Under the intial sign, there are layers to why its soo beautiful, think about it. These two older people have stood the test of time, in a society where divorce and infidelity is as common as the common cold. For two people to be together for so long and to still love each other after all those years...beautiful. (and i hope i have that when im that age)

Theres plenty of other little things that i find spectacularly beautiful. Waking up mid-morning to the smell of bacon cooking. Its a beautiful thing. Or when my pants just fall perfectly over my shoes to show enuff shoe, but ruffle just a lil bit. Simply beautiful, a fresh untouched box of Jordans, still has the glue smell. I'd expect that the most simpliest joy would be holding your child in your arms for the first time. Simple beauty of rain droppin on already formed puddles. Or when Im DJing and i blend the shit outta two songs and the second song drops right on time! FUCKIN BEAUTIFUL.

Simple Beauty. What takes the cake for me is a woman who can rock it without any make up but look as beautiful as if she were dressed up for a night out. Glasses, tshirt n sweats or jeans, playing video games, drinkin a beer. i'll take her over any Megan Fox any day! Simply Beautiful!

that sometime is now...

ive heard the phrase before..."God does not put you through what you cant handle" in the last few weeks this prolly has been testedto the limit. it has been an emotional rollercoaster, many glasses of alcohol and many ciggarette. i often say that im becoming Heartless. only because the time of gettin-over it lessens with each situation. am i really or am i just learning not to hold on so much.
i broke down, it was bad, but i got over it. and im fine now. i cant say that i just woke up one day n felt better. but i did have help from a lot of good friends and one special one in particular. life gives you lemons...you're stuck with a bunch of lemons....

but the great thing in life is...there is never a final to anything. when one door closes, another opens up somewhere else. the Summer always ends and the fall begins. the only thing you have to do is find it or wait it out.

id like to hope that i found my door opening. cuz right now thats all i can think about.

the night is always darkest before the dawn.

and to say the biggest breakdown i had in years might turn into the happiest moments of my life....

VEGAS BABY!!

HERE WAS MY WEEKEND IN LAS VEGAS:

sleepless in alameda

its 3 am and i just got home from icon. i had a horrilbe night...without gettin too much into detail, i wanted punch this bitch who was bothering me in the DJ booth, i dont hit ladies but i'll shake a bitch. 2nd another actualization of mines came tru, remember that winning record that i spoke about...(2-0) yea well chalk up another win for my intuition n horrilbe fortune. (3-0) thats right, life 3, CMC 0. and i guess i have no one to blame but myself, for feeding into peoples blind faith in my own life. i remember talkin to someone that i didnt want to get "in too deep" so to speak. well i allowed that to happen, my weak self, i thought i was heading somewhere, when i was staying in the same spot. i didnt speak, i didnt say anything its all my fault. and you know what it hurts more that way. i guess my mom was right, i wasnt meant for great or good things.

as i write this, i seriously contempated about quitting. quitting djing. the one thing that i told people can make me happy when im at my worst. but when that doesnt even work, what the hell am i suppose to do. im not quitting cuz im gettin old, im not quitting cuz im untalented it, but because it reminds me everything. and i know i'll see people that will keep reminding me of my failure, over and over again. i said im thinking bout it.

in my current situation, i already have a feeling what people are gonna say..."be happy for that person", "christian you are so selfish". but all that recycles in my head is that when will other people be happy with me or for me myself. when can i be selfish, when i try to be so self-less....and i just get stepped on. lied to. i never really was ever a dick, a douchebag, a liar, a cheater....i never was any of those, but i was and am not perfect, mistakes are made. but in general i am a good guy/person. i may slip up here and there but im a good person.

why am i takin it this hard? ive been thru this before....heartbreakingly too many times.

and why do i even keep trying....

and you know what, i know i havent been favorable with some certain people, if youre gonna talk shit, just do it to my face, i honestly dont care what you have to say to me. its like nothing matters to me now, bring your worst. we may have had our squabbles, but if u feel the need to, go ahead kick me when im already down, hey maybe i deserve it.

and to the other people who just laugh behind my back, keep secrets and really just think im some kind of joke, have your laugh. and i hope youre happy with it. its cool i was never wanted in the status that i am now. i worked hard to get where im at, but if im just some kinda joke to you. so be it, i never thought you guys were my peers anyway, if i quit or not i'll always know in my heart that i was ALWAYS better than you, douchebag.