this girl is gooood!

brave face

i thought of you when i heard this...

the scientist - coldplay

Come up to meet you,
tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I've set you apart
Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
Oh, let's go back to the start
Running in circles
Coming up tails
Heads on the science apart
Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start
I was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart
Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
Oh tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles
Chasing our tails
Coming back as we are
Nobody said it was easy
Oh, it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I’m going back to the start

...and i still havent found, what im looking for...

im no bitch. im no punk, im not an idiot, im nobodys fool.
what lays ahead of me is a long, bumpy journey. sadly, ive been down this road before. numbness. im worried for myself. how long, how much longer. but its not even a question bout time. everyone hopes for the best of me, but when will i just give up hope? giving up just seems the best way to deal with anything, but why the hell do i still proceed. resilient? brandon told me i was resilient...am i? a close friend once told me that, you cant just settle. settle for anything. i'd like to believe that i never ever had to just settle when it came to important descisions in my life. why sell yourself short? right? why is it then when the thing that i want, whole-heartedly, i long for, that burns me from within...is my shortcoming? my character flaw...is b right? am i focusing my time too much on that that escapes me? my happiness, depends on others? can this be true? searching thru myself the last few days, ive learned there is some truth to it. as long as my friends are happy, i'll be content. cant say happy, only cuz deep down, i wish i could be as happy as they are. but i'll be happy for them that they found something that keeps them content. something that takes their mind of other things that plague their life. you may say it. but do you guys wish that kind of happiness for me? im the type of person that will bleed for you, you call me your friend, show me that i am your friend...i will show you how much you mean to me. i kno there is never a straight answer for anything in life. but at times like this i just wish that there were. i just wish that a switch could just turn off the pain and anguish. there are times when i just want to give up, but i have this everlasting, fighting spirt in me. what am i dumb? am i too optimistic? do i hope that the world is as resilient and hopeful as me? i wish...but i dont know. all i can hope for are the warm longing arms of time. time. please forgive me, if im not happy. i know you understand. im just hoping that time will help me get thru this. but to please you i will. dont take to offense what im saying. its just a way i deal with things, i write it down. helps me search my life....but i still havent found what im looking for.

gettin in where i fit in...a year in review

christmas is next week , ive only bought 2 presents...and still got a shit load more to get. once again i'd like to explain about my gift giving practices. i really dont expect to get anything for xmas. actually i got the best present ever for my birthday this year, all my good friends came out to celebrate my birthday last night, i had fun at that and was very happy. then again...i dont expect anything cuz usually the stuff i want has no monetary value...or has really HIGH monetary value. just hanging out with me, is gift enuff, but if u do want to get me something, get me something that i can use, like i can use some gloves cuz its cold as shit now. i also do like personalized things. in that sense, please dont feel that you are required to get me anything if i got you something. and if that present i got you was a lil expensive. its prolly cuz it was and you mean alot to me, so you deserve it! and always remember if i can afford it, i'll get it for you, so dont worry im not dippin into my "college" fund or anything, its in my budget! the best present you guys can ever get me, is just spending time with me....honestly. or even GO TO SOME OF MY GIGS!
with that said




so its come that time that i do my year in review. cant say that this year has been a learning year, but my whole life has be a learning experience. i think i just had to deal with more adult situations this year. different experiences different ways of dealing with them. thats the only way i can really put it.
some say ive been un-nessesarily stressin myself, which can be true to an extent, but as i think of it, it wouldnt be as important to me if i wasnt stressing thru it. all in all, i can SIT here and say that i made it thru and that old saying that runs thru my head repeats: "nothing in this life is that hard".
dont get me wrong this year wasnt a year for complaining and issues....ive had soo much fun and success this year.
nothing recessed. my djing gigs got better, my relationships with the right people got closer, i found out who my real friends are...
its been a great life, i really shouldnt complain. about anything, its my life and should be lived as how i want to live it, not for anyone else.
in the relationship department, i fell in love with someone. i really only wanted to see where it could go...but that developed into love. not a day goes by where i dont think bout her. im trying my best to hide it, havent told her. im guessing she has a clue cuz shes a smart girl. i enjoy my time that im with her, i try to soak up every moment. i love when i get texts or calls from her about her day. i just hope she feels the same way. but like i said im terrified to say something, just cuz shes such a good friend and i wouldnt want to lose that or mess that up. but we'll see, im aiming to say something before the end of the year. i dont want to bulid myself up on this, but its just something ive been puttin off for too long.
soo i look forward to a good year this year, look forward to gettin better gigs, traveling some more, and going to disneyworld for the first time. i like to go into each year with a positive attitude and that makes all the difference. i hope i made a lasting impact on all your lives this year, i hope i was the friend you want me to be or expected me to be. if not i'll try harder. take care, merry christmas and happy new year!

Lonely at the top....

but its crowded at the bottom....

fuck it, if i gotta do this alone i'll fuckin do it!

grudges are overrated indeed, if you want to fucks with it...holla at me...we can fucks with it...

im moving on...with or without any of you.

everyone GROW THE FUCK UP!

one-HUNDRED

SEX, LIES, AND VIDEOTA...uh...DVDs

i will attempt to write this as professional sounding and whitty as i can be, but if i stray please excuse me.

if theres anything i hate most in life...is when people lie to me. or lying in general. as many of you close friends of mine know, id rather face the music as its playing versus hearing it after the smoke has settled. it could involve many things, business, personal, relationship. tell me up front, i would like to think that im the type of person anyone can talk to. but sometimes, not often, im told that people are afraid to tell me things or disclose info, because of my reaction. but the werid irony in all this, is often im afraid to tell disclose info often because of that reason also, not knowing the outcome. im workin on trying not to be like that, but i am always open to be told something, then i can disagree with you after. but i like dealing with things in the front and worst of all is eventually hearing the truth from someone else. it hurts even more if that person you consider a close friend, but basically my point is. i dont being lied to and i usually have a hunch about it.....
now branchin off....i dont like shit talked behind my back. AS MUCH as i hate being lied to...or even being ignored...EVERYONE has resentment for someone talkin behind your back. its a bad idea to do it with me, because i have peoples everywhere AND I WILL find out.
with that said. i do not appreciate people who are all talk. talk talk talk....in certain situations in my life ive encountered these people that society considers "flakers". when u say you kno someone or you're gonna do something...AROUND ME YOU BETTER FUCKIN DO IT. as ive repeated many times, i once had this friend, who taught me that to be more of a man of my word, rather than a man of my speak. say you gonna do something. better do it! eventually i learned that he was the biggest woofer in the world (lier). there was another werid irony with that too, someone who prolly taught me one of the best lessons in life, actually turned out to be the opposite of what he was preaching. real life example: if u say you know someone and blah blah blah they wanna give u a handjob...blah blah and ya'll are gay for each other...dont u think you get their name? especially if they are somewhat important to what you are doing. SECOND: if you say you know someone and that you guys are cool and talk all the time....why is it when your name is brought up...they have NO idea who u are....they dont even give me that fake ass "oh wait, yea i think ive heard of them" speach. when they just straight up say "who?". THAT IS NOT KNOWING SOMEONE.
i dont wanna name drop and such....but im not...but a recent outtin i had in San Jose...i was introduced as "hey (insert famous name here), this is (insert another famous name) FRIEND". and i dont care if they were lying or not....but i got that bullshit answer of "oh yea man, ive heard of you...blah blah blah". generic answer, but it wasnt even like..."who" what do u do? this person of some sort of fame, knew who i was and knew what i did.
example: when i got back into clubs. and i was spinnin at club NV....some strange lil girl came up to me @ the dj booth. "both saying, hey i know you....you're pretty good!" lets face it, i just got back into djing....so i wasnt the shit or nething. but apparently i was...."so she goes you're CMC right?" any who that girl turned out to be the Mixtress.
so in recent events in my life...and business. ive found that some people just consider this business a joke. joking around. i kno i said id keep it light. but ive seen the light, ive seen the potential. and we all gotta tighten our belts. if ya'll arent ready, you see the door. also theres alot of people here that believe that they have authority over me. i have final say in anything...and everyone DOES NOT...REPEAT DOES NOT NEED TO BE KNOWING WHAT IM DOING. so DONT BE MAD, when one of YOUR FRIENDS come to me to talk business, cuz obviously you dont got that game...like my cuz said, i appologize right now that i got sooo much game!
with that said. i also dont like when some aquaintances talk shit about my REAL friends. forreal. i resepect my true friends for having my back and respecting my decisions in the group, life whatever. i already kno who my real friends are. and who the fake ones were. so i really dont appreciate ya'll talkin shit TO my friends over some shit YOU didnt do. just talk shit about me and you'll see who has my back. which is something i cant control or hold back. cant blame my friends and family for what they wanna do to you, SO PRAY...PRAY THEY DONT FIND OUT.
uh...so pissed...i'll get over it.