my last blog, i quite possibly have made and ass out of myself. so i have an issue myself. i assume too much...im pretty much assuming that statement i just made. the person it was directed to prolly read it. but then again im ASSUMING.
my mind is a lil eased up about recent events. i handled my biz with the group. and if this plan works the group should be as strong as ever. work still sucks...and so does schoool. looks like im takin this class over again, unless by some miracle i can pull off an A.
everyone likes the fact that i have such an interesting nightlife job. dont get me wrong, i love djing and meeting all these wonderful people and hanging out with models and gogos and such. lets focus more on that. ive recently spoken to a few old school classmates who say they "envy" me or the "are jealous" that i get to chill with all these hot ass beezys. which is very true, its very fortunate that i get to do this. when in high school, i couldnt even eat lunch with the hottest girls in our class, and those bitches dont even hold a match to the girls i know now. but back to my point, yes these girls are hot, they are cool, and i love um! but most of them got dudes...or just waay to fuckin hot for me. so its not like im fuckin them....so DONT i repeat DONT be jealous of me. alot of you guys i kno who were tellin me this got your own GFs...im jealous of you. im envious of you guys. i want what you have...NOT your GFs..i want my own. but i long for that affection that is shown to you. i miss it, some days i just want to come home after a long day sit down and talk to my gf. or randomly during the week go out and have dinner or coffee with her. or even go out and do things with her like some simple ass shit like shop. i want to pamper her like shes a queen. i want to surprize her at work for lunch, or send her flowers on 4 month anniversaries. i want to make plans with her, i want to travel with her and see places ive never been. i want to go to disneyland with her and hold her hand when she reaches over on a ride she thought was scarry. i want to beable to post on my away msg "going to my girls house". i want her to spend the holidays with my family and me with hers. want her to be cool enuff with my friends that she hangs out with them without me. i want her to call me in the middle of the night when she cant sleep. i want her to be by my side when i got to make a major decision. i want to slow dance with her behind the dj booth at a club to a fast song (haha). i want to take random trips with me to drive to Tracy for a Cherry Limeaide.
i kno im pretty sad right?
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
untitled
"loving you is like a battle, we both end up with scars"
"you tell me you're looking for someone, that you'll never find anyone. you tell me that no one is good enough for you. something is wrong with this person and that person. you have to be attracted to that person, all that. i agree, there must a degree of attraction. but some times you just have to open up and look at whats right before you. its not 'settling'. its realizing that sometimes the thing that you've been searching for is right infront of you. its unfortunate in my life that i cant say that no one has ever wanted me as much as i wanted you. i pray and hope for the day that someone tells me they love me for me. not by how i look, not by what job i have or how much money i make, not for my social status, but how i make them feel. i want to be your sunny day, i want to be your christmas morning, i want to be your everything. im not telling you that you NEED to give me a CHANCE...'need to' and a 'chance' are crutches for the weak minded fearful. im not asking for a chance. im asking you to look into your heart and tell me if i make you happy. our time together, do i make you smile? do you trust me? can you see what kind of person i am and what kind of person i will be? do i make you laugh? do i comfort you when you are sad? i will agree, i am definately attracted to you physically. but the time we spent together, ive seen more that than and seen past that. i love your lil querks, i love your stories, i love how you tell those stories, i love your small obsessions, i love that you enjoy the same things i do! im not on an advertising campaign for myself. but no one will ever love you like i will. no one cares for you as i do now. and no one ever will. with all this confidence you maybe wondering if fear has stepped in to the picture. ive thought about it. im fearful, in what i say to you, in what i do, i dont want to ruin whatever we have already established. but love overcame the fear. im willing to risk it all to know, to know what could be. our friendship is important, but im willing to put it on the line for this. i want to say, im the one you are looking for, im your destiny, i am the one......Here i am"
-untitled
"you tell me you're looking for someone, that you'll never find anyone. you tell me that no one is good enough for you. something is wrong with this person and that person. you have to be attracted to that person, all that. i agree, there must a degree of attraction. but some times you just have to open up and look at whats right before you. its not 'settling'. its realizing that sometimes the thing that you've been searching for is right infront of you. its unfortunate in my life that i cant say that no one has ever wanted me as much as i wanted you. i pray and hope for the day that someone tells me they love me for me. not by how i look, not by what job i have or how much money i make, not for my social status, but how i make them feel. i want to be your sunny day, i want to be your christmas morning, i want to be your everything. im not telling you that you NEED to give me a CHANCE...'need to' and a 'chance' are crutches for the weak minded fearful. im not asking for a chance. im asking you to look into your heart and tell me if i make you happy. our time together, do i make you smile? do you trust me? can you see what kind of person i am and what kind of person i will be? do i make you laugh? do i comfort you when you are sad? i will agree, i am definately attracted to you physically. but the time we spent together, ive seen more that than and seen past that. i love your lil querks, i love your stories, i love how you tell those stories, i love your small obsessions, i love that you enjoy the same things i do! im not on an advertising campaign for myself. but no one will ever love you like i will. no one cares for you as i do now. and no one ever will. with all this confidence you maybe wondering if fear has stepped in to the picture. ive thought about it. im fearful, in what i say to you, in what i do, i dont want to ruin whatever we have already established. but love overcame the fear. im willing to risk it all to know, to know what could be. our friendship is important, but im willing to put it on the line for this. i want to say, im the one you are looking for, im your destiny, i am the one......Here i am"
-untitled
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
I HATE RUDE PEOPLE
i was high as shit last night. stoopid basil and his fuckin cookies!
so last night, i had to make a mix for our upcoming mix show (www.myblockradio.net). i went to basils and he said to eat these cookies. i just wanted to eat like half or something. but the cookies were quite old, so i didnt want to get sick. i ate a quater of one...nada...ate another quater...nada...so i ate 2 whole ones. that shit took hella long to kick in tho. like a hour...but lasted pretty long. i would do that again...its gettin high without the smoke!!
on bart today...i dunno why bart does this...but they give the Richmond train the shortest possible...its 3 cars only. AND that shit is sardine can packed. so im standing...im standing to a quite cute looking woman, shes a tiny thing. we xchange smiles signifying that we both understand that its stoopid packed in here and that i might have to get closer and all up in her space. 3 fuckin bikers come in...and Bart has signs that say "please use proper judgement when gettin on trains with bikes." obviously, these people cant read or understand or just chose to disreguard them. this poor woman i was standing next to gets all most crushed by this ginormous dude with his bike...i kinda slap the dude on teh shoulder cuz he was gonna crush me too. and he kinda gives us this look of like he didnt give a shit...the thing is he could have moved over, there was hella space for him. so i relocate from him and i kinda gotta help this chick from behing this fat dude.
granted, no one can move on the train till soemone else gets off. some RUDE ass white dude shoves me in the back so that he can stand next to the door. im not gonna let that stand. i call him an asshole...and told him to back the fuck up cuz i cant go anywhere until people move, he gives me a half ass appology. but i notice that hes shovin everyone around on the way to the door...no excuse mes or nething.......i hope hes late to whatever he was doing...or gets hit by a car.
so last night, i had to make a mix for our upcoming mix show (www.myblockradio.net). i went to basils and he said to eat these cookies. i just wanted to eat like half or something. but the cookies were quite old, so i didnt want to get sick. i ate a quater of one...nada...ate another quater...nada...so i ate 2 whole ones. that shit took hella long to kick in tho. like a hour...but lasted pretty long. i would do that again...its gettin high without the smoke!!
on bart today...i dunno why bart does this...but they give the Richmond train the shortest possible...its 3 cars only. AND that shit is sardine can packed. so im standing...im standing to a quite cute looking woman, shes a tiny thing. we xchange smiles signifying that we both understand that its stoopid packed in here and that i might have to get closer and all up in her space. 3 fuckin bikers come in...and Bart has signs that say "please use proper judgement when gettin on trains with bikes." obviously, these people cant read or understand or just chose to disreguard them. this poor woman i was standing next to gets all most crushed by this ginormous dude with his bike...i kinda slap the dude on teh shoulder cuz he was gonna crush me too. and he kinda gives us this look of like he didnt give a shit...the thing is he could have moved over, there was hella space for him. so i relocate from him and i kinda gotta help this chick from behing this fat dude.
granted, no one can move on the train till soemone else gets off. some RUDE ass white dude shoves me in the back so that he can stand next to the door. im not gonna let that stand. i call him an asshole...and told him to back the fuck up cuz i cant go anywhere until people move, he gives me a half ass appology. but i notice that hes shovin everyone around on the way to the door...no excuse mes or nething.......i hope hes late to whatever he was doing...or gets hit by a car.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
People's Instinctive Travels and the Paths of Rhythm
im airin out dirty laundry. some of this stuff, ive let go...some i havent. if u know me well you should kno the difference. none of this stuff is really new, cuz everything thats happened recently to me, ive delt with face to face. its mostly old stuff. not using any names or nething really close to it...im just refering to people as them/he/she...etc...
-my friends family hates me...i think they still do? i dont even kno if i them call them my friend ne more cuz i dont even see them, its been years since i been to their house. any way, long long long ago, apparently i hurt them soo much that they told their parents, lookin back on the situation and how much of a friend i was to them, i cant believe that could have possibly been beginning of the end. any way from that point again, i knew their parents always had it out for me. like i was the most horrible person in the world. then again, back then i was a different person, i cared too much of making everyone happy, except myself. i might have possibly been a bad influence on them. back then. all in all, when i think about it, i had a torrid past, yet there were times when we actually did have fun...but those are long gone. i was often very welcome at their family's house. and now if i would see their parents around, i would just act werid. lets just say, they were a VERY traditional filipino family. i do come from a traditional filipino family also, but my family was very lax and we have really embraced this "american" culture, not forgetting our heritage, but i just couldnt fit into that.
-this is more recently....loyalty?
ive met some people in the industry thats helped my lil group get off the ground. thats great and all. im highly appreciative of it. but there were just some groups that would not even give us the time of day. i seriously was the annoying promoter hittin them up, askin for them to host or what not. fastforward a year, now that we got a lil heat...now they wanna fux with us. i understand that we were really nothing bout a year ago. but due to the fact that they refused or basically ignored us, fuck that why should i want to work with ya'll. so i DO thank the other groups that helped us out. many props to ya'll
the flipside, i did have other groups who helped us and we helped them. but now it seems like they are too big to just even kick it or even try to do a party with us. everytime i ask if they wanna just on with us, i get an excuse. i thoughts we were cool? like honestly...its like they are too big to fux with us. but they will call me to tell me they have this artist and that artist, this dj and that dj....but they wont hire any of my djs, but have the nerve to ask me to promote for them. oh hell naw. its just a werid fucked up industry.
-i'll admit i can be insensitive at times, but just being a normal everyday human being i'll understand that things can really be difficult for anyone. so i'll take back things. ive met some people who are just absolutely insensitive, yet when something happens to them...they want all the attention on them and they pull that "im really emotional" card. give me that respect when things i cant handle get to me and just listen to me...hear me out. i will surely return the respect. a friend of mine said he didnt really share much personal stuff because the one person he could trust wasnt there when he needed them the most. i totally understand that, i may rave and rant and complain about something, but its called venting...dont simply tell me to get over it. i will, eventually, but im actaully calling for someone to just listen and simpathise (sp?) with me. i will get over it, really, but just listen and maybe you can relate. thank you
so this one person who i thought i can confide in during a really frustrating time...told me to get over it. without event trying to understand it. ok i'll admit, i did not let this go. i judge my friendships on who was there and still there at time when i FELT at my lowest. they duked it out with me and if we got out of it without casualties...i do consider them one of my closest friends and someone i trust. but basically...that person who i thought i could talk too, basically turned it into something about themselves. in a time when i was hurting and frustrated. moving on, ive learned that person always does that, turns it into something about them. on another instance, (this may get confusing cuz im not using names nore the situation directly) one set of my friends were comforting a friend and the other friend was there....while the group was trying to console and listen to the sad friend, the other friend turned or TRIED to turn it into their time. if that isnt attention whoring, i dunno what is.
any way...i think my laundry is done...and my brains smell like my mexican cuzins...hahahah
see i always can make myself smile!!
"can i kick it...yes you can"
donate to diabetes research!!!
-my friends family hates me...i think they still do? i dont even kno if i them call them my friend ne more cuz i dont even see them, its been years since i been to their house. any way, long long long ago, apparently i hurt them soo much that they told their parents, lookin back on the situation and how much of a friend i was to them, i cant believe that could have possibly been beginning of the end. any way from that point again, i knew their parents always had it out for me. like i was the most horrible person in the world. then again, back then i was a different person, i cared too much of making everyone happy, except myself. i might have possibly been a bad influence on them. back then. all in all, when i think about it, i had a torrid past, yet there were times when we actually did have fun...but those are long gone. i was often very welcome at their family's house. and now if i would see their parents around, i would just act werid. lets just say, they were a VERY traditional filipino family. i do come from a traditional filipino family also, but my family was very lax and we have really embraced this "american" culture, not forgetting our heritage, but i just couldnt fit into that.
-this is more recently....loyalty?
ive met some people in the industry thats helped my lil group get off the ground. thats great and all. im highly appreciative of it. but there were just some groups that would not even give us the time of day. i seriously was the annoying promoter hittin them up, askin for them to host or what not. fastforward a year, now that we got a lil heat...now they wanna fux with us. i understand that we were really nothing bout a year ago. but due to the fact that they refused or basically ignored us, fuck that why should i want to work with ya'll. so i DO thank the other groups that helped us out. many props to ya'll
the flipside, i did have other groups who helped us and we helped them. but now it seems like they are too big to just even kick it or even try to do a party with us. everytime i ask if they wanna just on with us, i get an excuse. i thoughts we were cool? like honestly...its like they are too big to fux with us. but they will call me to tell me they have this artist and that artist, this dj and that dj....but they wont hire any of my djs, but have the nerve to ask me to promote for them. oh hell naw. its just a werid fucked up industry.
-i'll admit i can be insensitive at times, but just being a normal everyday human being i'll understand that things can really be difficult for anyone. so i'll take back things. ive met some people who are just absolutely insensitive, yet when something happens to them...they want all the attention on them and they pull that "im really emotional" card. give me that respect when things i cant handle get to me and just listen to me...hear me out. i will surely return the respect. a friend of mine said he didnt really share much personal stuff because the one person he could trust wasnt there when he needed them the most. i totally understand that, i may rave and rant and complain about something, but its called venting...dont simply tell me to get over it. i will, eventually, but im actaully calling for someone to just listen and simpathise (sp?) with me. i will get over it, really, but just listen and maybe you can relate. thank you
so this one person who i thought i can confide in during a really frustrating time...told me to get over it. without event trying to understand it. ok i'll admit, i did not let this go. i judge my friendships on who was there and still there at time when i FELT at my lowest. they duked it out with me and if we got out of it without casualties...i do consider them one of my closest friends and someone i trust. but basically...that person who i thought i could talk too, basically turned it into something about themselves. in a time when i was hurting and frustrated. moving on, ive learned that person always does that, turns it into something about them. on another instance, (this may get confusing cuz im not using names nore the situation directly) one set of my friends were comforting a friend and the other friend was there....while the group was trying to console and listen to the sad friend, the other friend turned or TRIED to turn it into their time. if that isnt attention whoring, i dunno what is.
any way...i think my laundry is done...and my brains smell like my mexican cuzins...hahahah
see i always can make myself smile!!
"can i kick it...yes you can"
donate to diabetes research!!!
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
I REALLY HOPE IM NOT BIPOLAR!!!!
my morning observations:
-the nation is severely overweight. i kno im not the picture perfect vision of health, but fuck...(haha) atleast im doing something about it. and i dont want to be fat..ne more. i kno ive told a bunch of you, one thing i hate the most besides Douche bags....fat people. its like they tried to turn it into something of a style, like its stylish to be fat. sorry i got picked on alot when i was younger and lets be honest, looks matter and being FAT really didnt help that either, ok it may sound like i didnt have a thick skin about it. but i did, but i also got into fights over it. i guess because i always knew that there was something i can do about it. all it really takes is decipline and some support.
you may be askin why, this sudden rip on fat people. its been building up, some of you kno that. but today...honestly...today on BART. speciffically, there were no people of regular weight on there..middle school kids to high school kids, young adults to old adults...ALL OVER WEIGHT! i seriously was prolly the skinniest person there....(really think about that)
but hey we live in a country of excess. right? these people cant help it. naw i dont believe that. props to the ones that try, eating at healthy choice and shit....but IT DOESNT HELP IF U SKIP THE SALADA BAR!!!! and head straight for the pizza and potatoes! then get a massive ice cream after. comeon!
-a lot of people i kno are keeping shit from each other. we are all friends...wtf....but i understand not everyone has to kno shit, but come on.....relationships are all built on trust. once that trust is gone, its takes a while to build it back up
-Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles is actaully is a good show.
so, reading my blogs got me to thinking. am i bipolar? i really am not. just from studying it in college, i kno im not nore can i diagnose myself. but sometimes i feel like it. rapidly changing my attitude and mood. im not crazy or anything. ive seen real bipolar and i am FAR FAR FARRRRR from that.
thats it....
donate to the diabetes research fund!
-the nation is severely overweight. i kno im not the picture perfect vision of health, but fuck...(haha) atleast im doing something about it. and i dont want to be fat..ne more. i kno ive told a bunch of you, one thing i hate the most besides Douche bags....fat people. its like they tried to turn it into something of a style, like its stylish to be fat. sorry i got picked on alot when i was younger and lets be honest, looks matter and being FAT really didnt help that either, ok it may sound like i didnt have a thick skin about it. but i did, but i also got into fights over it. i guess because i always knew that there was something i can do about it. all it really takes is decipline and some support.
you may be askin why, this sudden rip on fat people. its been building up, some of you kno that. but today...honestly...today on BART. speciffically, there were no people of regular weight on there..middle school kids to high school kids, young adults to old adults...ALL OVER WEIGHT! i seriously was prolly the skinniest person there....(really think about that)
but hey we live in a country of excess. right? these people cant help it. naw i dont believe that. props to the ones that try, eating at healthy choice and shit....but IT DOESNT HELP IF U SKIP THE SALADA BAR!!!! and head straight for the pizza and potatoes! then get a massive ice cream after. comeon!
-a lot of people i kno are keeping shit from each other. we are all friends...wtf....but i understand not everyone has to kno shit, but come on.....relationships are all built on trust. once that trust is gone, its takes a while to build it back up
-Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles is actaully is a good show.
so, reading my blogs got me to thinking. am i bipolar? i really am not. just from studying it in college, i kno im not nore can i diagnose myself. but sometimes i feel like it. rapidly changing my attitude and mood. im not crazy or anything. ive seen real bipolar and i am FAR FAR FARRRRR from that.
thats it....
donate to the diabetes research fund!
Saturday, October 4, 2008
EARLY MORNING RUNNING...
so my early saturday morning runs with robby have become, mid-morning run-walks. im workin on it. slowly but shurely.
thats it...thats all i got for now.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
OH NE-YO, YOU KNOW THE LYRICS OF THE HEART!
ive been slowly but shurely puttin myself into a slump. i think im just overworking myself and stuff. but to be successful you need to hustle so i really cant slow down. a million and one complaints still linger abouts my group. i dont know what to say to them to get them to promote, we are a PROMOTIONS crew! just gotta be dick...umm, well not a dick, but tough. being a dick would consitute me not caring about the group, but i do and i want to see this group do well. but i cant do it single handedly.
that last two weeks ive been gettin used to drinking straight black coffee. no cream no sugar. it works, just too plain honestly.
my bamboo plant at work looks as if will make a full recovery. just a few weeks ago when i went on my vacay to san D , i left it here and forgot to water it for....like a week. the leaves got all brown and shit. so after regular waterings and such, it looks like Lucky will make it.
im starting to get used to this prickin my finger with the blood glucose meter thing, but when i do it right before i eat at a resturant, dumb muthafucks look at me like im cookin dope at the table.
i feel alot better than i did yesterday. a whole lot. one of my friends who i havent talked to in about 2 years called me. it was a great "reunion", i appologized for whatever i did that kept them away and they appologized for being away so long. but things for them have been better than what i would have been if they were living the same life i knew them at about 2 years ago. it was quite refreshing to hear from them. it actually brought up my spirits that they called and if they are reading this, thanks!
as i was previously stated, my day wasnt the best of days yesterday, but with the power of music...i felt slightly better. for some reason, Ne-yo's lyrics hit exactly how i feel. if i was super talented writer/singer, i would be Ne-yo. his songs deal with the regular ol' joe's problems, mostly facing relationships. with his excellent composition of lyrics to the conduction of piano rifs and foot-tapping drum beats, it can turn any of my woes around. not every man is a player, whos rants are about cheating on a girl and wanting her back. hey dumb ass u cheated on her why would she want you back. a careful analysis of ne-yo's songs, especially "go on girl" deals with the roles of common relationship practices being reveresed. the beyonce song "irreplaceable" was written by ne-yo intended for him to be sung, but actually gave it to beyonce to sing. not all his songs were touching on that subject of infidelity. on subject he constantly touches on is "obsession", this is not the obession as thought of as crazy and unstable mental states, but the obsession that often come with affection. i can say that ive been in situation where "she makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up, just one touch". ive been there, ive felt what his songs messages were attempting to portray. "baby you have become my addiction.." we've all felt that. its crazy i kno, but whos not gonna admit that they've felt like that about someone. he touches everyone, not just guys hollarin at girls, vice versa. the biggest playa/pimp, to the lowly shy guy chillin in the corner of the club. its just something we all as regualr people can relate to. songs like "crazy", "let you go", "sexy love", "because of you" are perfect examples of this type of over infatuation. in a sense, its bad to be over "obsessed" with anyone or any one thing. but in all honesty, when youre in love, doesnt it just feel like that...
"she makes the hairs of the back of my neck stand up........just one touch"
-C to the "muthafuckin" M-Ceeee!
PLEASE DONATE TO DIABETES RESEARCH FUND and to the Lukemia lymphoma society...thanks!
that last two weeks ive been gettin used to drinking straight black coffee. no cream no sugar. it works, just too plain honestly.
my bamboo plant at work looks as if will make a full recovery. just a few weeks ago when i went on my vacay to san D , i left it here and forgot to water it for....like a week. the leaves got all brown and shit. so after regular waterings and such, it looks like Lucky will make it.
im starting to get used to this prickin my finger with the blood glucose meter thing, but when i do it right before i eat at a resturant, dumb muthafucks look at me like im cookin dope at the table.
i feel alot better than i did yesterday. a whole lot. one of my friends who i havent talked to in about 2 years called me. it was a great "reunion", i appologized for whatever i did that kept them away and they appologized for being away so long. but things for them have been better than what i would have been if they were living the same life i knew them at about 2 years ago. it was quite refreshing to hear from them. it actually brought up my spirits that they called and if they are reading this, thanks!
as i was previously stated, my day wasnt the best of days yesterday, but with the power of music...i felt slightly better. for some reason, Ne-yo's lyrics hit exactly how i feel. if i was super talented writer/singer, i would be Ne-yo. his songs deal with the regular ol' joe's problems, mostly facing relationships. with his excellent composition of lyrics to the conduction of piano rifs and foot-tapping drum beats, it can turn any of my woes around. not every man is a player, whos rants are about cheating on a girl and wanting her back. hey dumb ass u cheated on her why would she want you back. a careful analysis of ne-yo's songs, especially "go on girl" deals with the roles of common relationship practices being reveresed. the beyonce song "irreplaceable" was written by ne-yo intended for him to be sung, but actually gave it to beyonce to sing. not all his songs were touching on that subject of infidelity. on subject he constantly touches on is "obsession", this is not the obession as thought of as crazy and unstable mental states, but the obsession that often come with affection. i can say that ive been in situation where "she makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up, just one touch". ive been there, ive felt what his songs messages were attempting to portray. "baby you have become my addiction.." we've all felt that. its crazy i kno, but whos not gonna admit that they've felt like that about someone. he touches everyone, not just guys hollarin at girls, vice versa. the biggest playa/pimp, to the lowly shy guy chillin in the corner of the club. its just something we all as regualr people can relate to. songs like "crazy", "let you go", "sexy love", "because of you" are perfect examples of this type of over infatuation. in a sense, its bad to be over "obsessed" with anyone or any one thing. but in all honesty, when youre in love, doesnt it just feel like that...
"she makes the hairs of the back of my neck stand up........just one touch"
-C to the "muthafuckin" M-Ceeee!
PLEASE DONATE TO DIABETES RESEARCH FUND and to the Lukemia lymphoma society...thanks!
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
IM YOUR'S - JASON MRAZ
ok this sucks...
ive been listening to jason mraz's song "im yours" all morning and pretty much spiralling myself into a slight depression. more of a mood...depression is too harsh of an analysis. its a great song, but reminds me of a task i need to accomplish. for myself. not for anyone else. my tragic flaw, that i live with if i was some kinda Shakespearian character, i cant follow my own advice. and it good fuckin advice. and not to say that i need to be told what to do, more like i need that nudge. my best friend, usually does that for me, but at the present moment shes not here. physically. i mean i dont need her physically to do what i need to do, but i need to just have her here as a somewhat moral support. nothing fixes anything better that a loving and caring hug from a good friend.
ahh, you maybe asking, what is this task that is soo daunting that CMC cant handle it? wouldnt you like to know. just know, i dont fear alot of things...possibly two things. if u know me, you know those two things. remember i said. "life isnt really that hard...." well i really wish i could listen to myself right now, what i have to do, isnt so hard. not to worried about the consequences...just doing the task and bringing it to the table so to speak. my hands clam up and get cold. i shudder from within, my head drops. lack of confidence. prolly. but then i have this overwhelming feeling of just wanting to get it over with. wheres that confidence when i need it. i need that swag back. i really dont wanna ask for help...i needs a nudge...i need that push...someone PUSH ME!!!!!!!
"i wont hesi-tate, no more, no more, it can not wait, Im your's"
-"FUCK YOU CHRISTIAN!"
-"Thanks man, i need that"
ive been listening to jason mraz's song "im yours" all morning and pretty much spiralling myself into a slight depression. more of a mood...depression is too harsh of an analysis. its a great song, but reminds me of a task i need to accomplish. for myself. not for anyone else. my tragic flaw, that i live with if i was some kinda Shakespearian character, i cant follow my own advice. and it good fuckin advice. and not to say that i need to be told what to do, more like i need that nudge. my best friend, usually does that for me, but at the present moment shes not here. physically. i mean i dont need her physically to do what i need to do, but i need to just have her here as a somewhat moral support. nothing fixes anything better that a loving and caring hug from a good friend.
ahh, you maybe asking, what is this task that is soo daunting that CMC cant handle it? wouldnt you like to know. just know, i dont fear alot of things...possibly two things. if u know me, you know those two things. remember i said. "life isnt really that hard...." well i really wish i could listen to myself right now, what i have to do, isnt so hard. not to worried about the consequences...just doing the task and bringing it to the table so to speak. my hands clam up and get cold. i shudder from within, my head drops. lack of confidence. prolly. but then i have this overwhelming feeling of just wanting to get it over with. wheres that confidence when i need it. i need that swag back. i really dont wanna ask for help...i needs a nudge...i need that push...someone PUSH ME!!!!!!!
"i wont hesi-tate, no more, no more, it can not wait, Im your's"
-"FUCK YOU CHRISTIAN!"
-"Thanks man, i need that"
Public Transportation
so last night i fell asleep relatively early for a 25 year old.....8:(fuckin) 30pm....thats shit was like middle of prime time TV. whats most disappointin about that is that i was planning to watch the new episode of prolly the only TV show i really follw, Entourage. sooo, i fall asleep at 8:30, laptop on my lap, phone slowing dying. i wake up in the middle of the night, bout 12:30am to my TV on and some obscure HBO/softcore/real sex/documentary show, realizing i missed Entourage. then lookin at my computer and seeing that i had about a dozen missed IM's. from actual people of importance. so unknowingly i responded to everyone who IM'd me. not caring if they were asleep or not. a few responded. i procceed to attempt to fall asleep...but engaged in light conversation with a few people left on AIM. the movie, Rememeber the Titans was on. this tharwted all my effort to fall back asleep. fastforward. the movie ended around 2:30am. i get up at 5. so i said fuck it...stayed up, till 5 got ready for work and jumped on bart.
this has been the earliest ive been to work in weeks. sittin on bart lookin at the drab faces on the much much much! older people on the train i realized, "hey, everyone lighten the fuck up" it does have a depressing tone to it, public transportation. as if all were riding a train to their doom, of which they call the "daily grind". as i do when im on the train, i practice something i call "back paper reading" as one is reading a paper, i read the front page from my seat without bothering the original reader. here i learn of the Raiders Coach, being fired...some other shit...and the buget..more economic stuff.
looking around i feel that familar feeling....i am the youngest one on the train. as i have delt with many other things in my life, yet again im the youngest. i remember takin diabetic diet classes again being the youngest. it a little bit of a double edged sword. yes, things are lifting because im forced to be much "older" than i perceive myself...but where are the people my age, and why am i forced into a situation where i am odd man out??
fuckin public transportation........
ps-please donate to diabetic research...save me!
this has been the earliest ive been to work in weeks. sittin on bart lookin at the drab faces on the much much much! older people on the train i realized, "hey, everyone lighten the fuck up" it does have a depressing tone to it, public transportation. as if all were riding a train to their doom, of which they call the "daily grind". as i do when im on the train, i practice something i call "back paper reading" as one is reading a paper, i read the front page from my seat without bothering the original reader. here i learn of the Raiders Coach, being fired...some other shit...and the buget..more economic stuff.
looking around i feel that familar feeling....i am the youngest one on the train. as i have delt with many other things in my life, yet again im the youngest. i remember takin diabetic diet classes again being the youngest. it a little bit of a double edged sword. yes, things are lifting because im forced to be much "older" than i perceive myself...but where are the people my age, and why am i forced into a situation where i am odd man out??
fuckin public transportation........
ps-please donate to diabetic research...save me!
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