take tragedy to triumph....make music thats fire

i talked to my cousin. yea i appologize if i seemed bitter. but really, this is like my therapy. i found that im the happy when im djing, its my release. something i can control. and i'd like to think that im good at it. atleast im not out gettin wasted or doing blow off some hookers ass. it wasnt like directed towards you or nething, more like a conglomerate of feelings towards relationships. in a sense i got a lot of good feedback, hella guys were feeling that mix.
i very do miss hanging out like we used to and keep it all kosher. honestly i thought i was cool, but like you said i cant help my feelings. and they just got the better of me. and if it seems real dire to me, its because you're really important to me as a friend and i dont like letting people down. especially someone as close as you. i assure you, things will be back to normal. whatever normal is to us. i guess i need to just re-ease back into things.
you are very important to me and very important in my life, i wouldnt not want to fuck that up in anyway. which is prolly the main reason why i held off telling you how i felt. i didnt want to disrupt the peace. but whats life if u cant shake it up a lil bit. anyway i miss you, i miss talkin to you. and please forgive me but im trying.

is it possible to be surrounded but alone...yes

why is it, as i was reassured by a friend of mines, can i feel so alone, when he said that "you have a lot of people that love you". yet i feel so alone right now. and the only person who i feel close to is 1000s of miles away?
it kinda goes back to my previous blog (which im retracting). i cant fit in with ya'll cuz i dont drink. im jUst a sober mess @ these events you guys are all at. example, i really shouldnt have went out on vday. like can give two shits about valentines day, but i was persuaded to come out because it "would be fun". fun for ya'll but a horrible reminder of how lonely and misrable i really am. its like this whole time ive been suppressin the fact that im not happy, with anything. i'll admit, i have had small bursts of happiness with the small victories of the day, week, month. but now its fleetin and abandoning me. my best friend, no matter how shitty my situation would be could alway make me feel better, and now shes miles away. and i kno you read this, but the second person on the list that would give an ounce of sunshine, im trying to avoid. (i kno im retarded) (i thought i was ready to face the music, but its obvious, im not just yet)...
so i was talkin to skooter, and he says that i'll be ok. will i really? i was talkin to basil...he said the same thing, i'll be fine. whatever...what if the fact is i was never better from the time before.
i dont want to come off as insensitive. but i also found out some other bad news within my circle of friends. and i dont want to sound insensitive to their issue, but mine issue has been on going.
the only bright side ive had this weekend is that i discovered that DJ is the only thing that will keep me distracted from the rigors of life. mixtress let me mix for a few mins on saturday and i couldnt care less of what was going on. but after that i ended up just sulking in the corner by myself.
all in all, i dont kno whats wrong with me. i live too far from everyone, no one pays random visits to me. i have to go to them, and to me thats like crawling to them. honestly i dont want to feel this way. no one does, but no one will ever know the gravity of my situation. i kno you are all trying to help when u say i'll be ok, or "im going thru the same thing". are you really? say similar, dont say same...cuz ive been dealin with whatever my whole life and everyone just expects me to be happy and optimistic. some times thats just a burden i cant carry anymore. i just put a mask on, when really deep down inside im battling trying to cope with whatever is bothering me at the moment. its gotten so bad i cant even trust my feelings.
well we'll see what happens to me. i honestly dont know.
irritated:
back to my music. im workin really hard to make a name for myself in this town. im pretty shure you all agree. but just cuz i didnt grow up in SF and have the same friends they all these big people in the industry have, its extra harder for me to get up and out! its no ones fault really, you are naturally gonna help your friends. if i ever get that big, i would do the same. but the thing is alot of these people kno who i am, they recognize the skill, yet, they dont give me that shot, to them im just some kid, hanging around their heels, lookin for table scraps. ive been doin this longer than some of the weak ass niggas that are out there. when i got in this industry, i knew NO ONE...i had no friends DJing @ radio stations or any big groups. i had a few cousins, who were long done with that scene. even then, i still had to prove myself, without using their names. im not saying im the only one whos done this. but shit, give some people a shot. my venues arent that big, but i rock tha shit outta them. fuckit, as i always said, my success will be my revenge!

fuck the world keep living!

things change....

so i decided im NOT that fun, without being under some kinda influnce. so i decided to lift the NON drinkin ban on myself. im not gonna get blasted every weekend. but i'll have a sippy sip here and there. i'll only get smashed on these few occations: im in Las Vegas, with sheena in Jacksonville, Chicago, Mexico, ok anywhere im traveling. or some big event...like my birthday. only acceptions, but im still prolly not gonna drink regularly, so dont try to bribe me with drinks...

i will eat a cookie tho...