never let you emotions get the best of you

i wish i never met her/i wish i never introduced myself/i wish i never got her number/i wish i never asked her out/i wish she never said yes/i wish i never think of her/i wish she was never on my mind/i wish i never had this feeling/i wish i never was who i am/i wish is was easier than this/i wish i didnt depend on her for my happiness/i wish that i dont fall in love/i wish that she would love me/i wish i had no heart/

i never wanted to fall in love, but fightin the feeling its getting too much, i cant be mad, i have no right to be, i measure time as the periods between her and i meeting, but i know i shouldnt live that way, i want to change who i am, but then i shouldnt have to change for anyone. i wish i were more brave, i wish i wasnt shy, i wish i didnt fear the concequences of my own actions. how does one deny their feelings, when everyone says thats how you know what love it, my view of love has completely changed, if im suppose to just "feel" it...am i not suppose to trust my heart. i never wanted to get this deep in, i never wanted to fall, i was happy where i was, but i wanted more. i guess its the selfishness in my heart. always wanting things for myself. ive always believed that nothing is impossible...but as i continue on, im starting to believe that impossible exisits, ive learned to be alone and not lonely. ive learned not to rush, ive learned to not to give my all, ive heard all the cliches, ive listened to every lesson, ive heard all the advice, its forever a mystery. ive sacrificed my life...ive sacrificed my happiness, ive wished happiness for her, can someone pray and hope that i too can have happiness in my life. in all aspects of my life im happy, content.
im sorry, to all those who told me, dont make her my happiness, but all i can think about is her and being with her...and it makes me smile. if feel that its coming down to the wire for me, i never wanted to be in soo deep...but my heart longs to be here and i want to fall it love, i want to take that leap, i want to take that step, i want to just grab hold, pull close, then just let it all go.

MELODRAMATICS!

I prolly learned the most from an enemy of mines. Its a weird coincidence that some my most life changing lessons come from an ex-friend, who in turn was fakin the funk the whole time.
"Pity is a tool of the weak." In my mind humility is the great tool of the strong, without crossing the line of confidence and arrogance, I'll try my best to argue my point. Thru my life I've met two distinct people, humble and cocky people. I know some of you all think that I'm a cocky person, cuz I glorify it and seemed to act like that. But if know me, you know I'm not that person. What pisses me off are the types that use pity for their glory. People who constantly remind us, "oh I did it on my own, NO ONE helped me" if u did it on ur own, u don't need to advertise, people will know. Another example, airing out ur dirty laundry, I too, am guilty of this. But in my honest opinion, I'm not lookin for solutions or answers or even a "hey, you'll be alright" I'm vocally expressing my thought, to see then materialize. Something I learned in my psyc classes. I don't need the people tellin me it will be good, I know it wil because, I'm still here and never gave up. If I want to talk to you I will talk to you. If I spill my guts, it would prolly be in this blog, but I won't mention names, certain situations or ne of that. People who air that shit out, is lookin for the attention they get, they love it, thrive off it, makes them feel like they belong, the saying it true, "misry luvs company, if they can bring down to where they are, they won't feel alone.
Sometimes we need that alone time, sometimes we NEED to solve things on our own time, by ourselves. Remember what may work for one, might not work for another. Being pittiful, you just look melodramatic, you want the attention, but then everyone starts to look at you as some weak ass person. i dunno. i get like that, but i confide in people who will give me more that a pat on tha back, or a "hey keep your head up"...
lets hug it out bitch!

500 Days of Summer

so i just watched this movie yesterday, with a very good female friend of mines. i totally avoided bringing a "date" type to this movie for several reasons.
1. this movie was great...so many parallels to my life, well to any ones life for that matter. its an easily relate-able movie, everyone has been in either Tom or Summers shoes. at first glance i thought i was the Tom character, but upon further examination, i see that i hold a lil bit of both of them in me.
2. as stated in the beginning of this movie, THIS IS NOT A LOVE STORY. definitely not a love story, but a story about LOVE. it makes sense in my mind, it was not about the romance btw these two people, but rather their perception of LOVE n relationships. NOT A LOVE STORY.
3. (spoiler) They made Summer to be such a bitch in the movie, but in the end we learn that she was being the most honest person in the moive. you wanted to hate her, in a sense i kinda still do. only because i relate so much to the Tom character.

well these are just a few reasons why i didnt want to bring a date to this movie, the fact that i did not want to relate myself so much to this character that my "date" would have second thoughts. etc... its not a love story, so no ones gettin laid after this moive (who knows, maybe) and i TOTALLY didnt want to start a fight at the movie about Summer being a bitch, when she wasnt really.

when i saw this movie n as it progressed i related soo much to the tom character. his ideas of love n romance almost are as identical to mines. (plz read two blogs ago, thats before i saw this movie) it was that convoluted idea of boy meets girl, they break up, boy wins girls heart....happily ever after. but from what i can say from experience...its more like: boy meets girl...boy falls in love with girl...girl breaks his heart. when it should be...boy meets girl, boy falls in love with girl, GIRL RECIPROCATES THE EXACT FEELINGS, they live happily ever after.

during the movie i couldnt do anything but think of the situation im in right now. am i rushing her? does she feel the same way for me....have i been wasting my time....where is this going? am i the Tom thats just lookin at the good things and not seeing that she isnt the one for me? i dont even want to question it any more.

but all in all this was a great movie. i highly recommend everyone to go see it, and judge for yourself. as for now,

i'll just end it as my therapist/bff just told me: dont let your love life define you.

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as the last ciggarette burns down to the filter i stay staring straight into the midnight sky/we've been sitting here for 2 hours, small conversation break up the comfortable silence/staring...staring...the twinkle of the brightest star catches my eye, but still find myself stealing a glance at her,lying there, staring up at the same night sky, she keeps her focus on the sky, while i keep my focus on her/the ciggarette burns out, im still staring at her, as the smoke disappates, the scent of her perfume fills my nose, and im drunk off of her/small details, as i trace her profile with my eye, like how she doesnt need to fully smile for her dimples to show or how her hair falls over her eye and she sweeps them away/every sight, beautiful, every movement, graceful, the moment is perfect/no words are spoken, but we share laughs and giggles, momentary smiles when our eyes meet/every breath i take, i inhale a memory, a thought of the moment/no words are spoken, but i know exactly what she's thinking, concentrate on the star/concentrate on the stars, i keep tellin myself, but im staring at her/i could careless, about the shooting stars, b'cuz im staring at my own personal star/i want to tell her "you have my heart, always have..."/but i do not want to rush, but when it feels this right its almost what you want to do/but i hold back/hold back, not to disturb this comfortable silence.

i just wanna be i just wanna be succe...ESSENTIAL!

so lately ive been noticing a surge of people trying to essential, trying to drop knowledge. most often than not they just sound like tools or cocky bastards! with my blogs, im not trying to change the world or anyone else. ive decided that people are who they are...my messages are simply for thought, take it as you may. the senseless droning of quotes spat from "someone once said" type shit is gettin tiring. dont live...nore base ur life of one sentence. you are a human, you are more than that! along with this mindless reiteration of great writers, comes action. dont just quote or say...DO! words me nothing without action. also remember that just because someone doesnt do it HOW YOU WOULD DO IT...doesnt mean its totally wrong. what works for them, doesnt necessarily mean it'll work for you, n vice versa...so ur endless quotes n homemade poetry cant always help...ANYONE for that matter...
(except for Abi's writing which is awesome)
so lets move on...
its maybe cuz im runnin on 2 hours of sleep...but last night i saw one of my favorite movies...Cant Hardly Wait. the classic late 90s teen flick about coming of age and coming to grips with the uncertain future. a senior class has a last hoorah at the end of their senior year, people patch up loose ends and the main character tries to tell the girl of his dreams how he feels about her. the movie progresses with comedic situations and often got me nostalgic about my years in high school. as we all kno the end, the boy gets the girl or girl gets the boy...however you want to see it.
its an entertaining movie. BUT! it hit far to hard home...(i know you all are thinking...oh shit CMC is ranting about his relationship life...or lack there of it, just hear me out its good, i maybe sleepy, which is very close to being drunk, but i'll be entertaining n insightful!) i blame these sappy love movies possibly for how i act now. it always ends with the couple together. not to say that these situations are entirely believe able, they are, it all cant truthfully happen. but i saw these movies at such an influential age. i really thought, love can just happen like that...over night, during a party, after rescuing the girl, winning the basketball championship, showing up the the high school musical! life just doesnt work like that. life has real heartbreak...more often than not, the boy doesnt get the girl. like i said, i blame these movies for puttin the notion that it is THAT easy! if i wrote a love story, it would definitely end in tragedy. like how they used to write. just based on my life tho. not to say that i have lost my faith in my own life, no thats not what im saying. im saying to give these stories some true to life content...Romeo must Die...
i got sidetracked. oh yea, soo these movies put the notion that its a happy rainbow at the end. i dont wanna sound bitter and that these movies turned me into a bitter person who hates love n everyone in love. i LOVE..LOVE. i love to see two people happy. im totally not against these movies, im just sayin it might have fucked with me a bit, but i did turn out some good things from these movies:
1. its turned me into a sensitive guy...but im not no bitch! (excuse the language)i know how to listen, i pay attention...im sensitive to the needs of a woman
2. ive learned chivalry.
3. ive learned to speak my mind
4. i think ive learned a clouded watered down version of love...but with my personal experiences i think, i've found my own definition.

i think the biggest lesson that ive learned and that some of my own friends envy is hope. hope that there is never an end all of end alls. that somewhere out there. that not this time...but next time. that theres always next season. all these characters in these movies have hope. hope that things will get better, lucky for them they are in the movie, hope is automatic. i just wish it was that simple n shure in real life.
hope my friend n my enemy.
as i learned from my english teachers in the past, essays have no value unless i have cited works...so heres where i am now. let me tell you about how ive been operating lately. id like to say ive moved from this fairy tale type life where im completely relying on hope. science has taken over. and for the hell of me...science makes more sense in my mind. its a thing of validity...or sureness. i cant or its difficult for me to take that leap, whereas before i'd jump the cliff of any old fight. in a sense its my maturity, but sometime in life u just need to let go and JUMP! for example, in the moive Sarah Marshall, the main charater has a metaphoric type "jump" off a cliff, but it was actually a jump to get over Sarah Marshall and into the arms of his real love interest.
either im TERRIFIED TO MAKE THE JUMP....or science's shureness and facts are holding me back. i think about takin the leap...but then i think of the consequences. back n forth im fighting myself. but now i think im ready. im bout to take the leap. im hoping for a "Cant Hardly Wait" response, but preparing for a "Sweet November" response, ultimately hoping for "The Notebook" ending.