IM BACK....

ive written and deleted this blog a few times....


lets face it. i cant get over her.

FUCK MY LIFE


im hopeless!

These Songs....

Cupid
Tenderoni
Rock Wit Cha
Bedrock
Knock you Down
Rockin that thang
Come Close
Im So Into
Sunshine
I love you
Find A Way
Never Been In Love Before
The Light
Spread My Wings
Nothing On You
Get Up On IT

if you read my blog....

he speaks....

why trust...why trust the heart?

i had a talk with my best friends last night. one of the messages i got out of it is that i need to put my head over my heart. but i like to think that thats what separates me from other people. i love. i love whole-heartedly. i understand that love will hurt. the greatest thing in this world is love...why not risk that hurt for it? like i said i guess that whats makes me different from everyone else. i'll be a fool for love.

i feel empty, i feel alone, i feel angry, i feel sad...i feel lost...i feel numb. i cant eat, i cant sleep without gettin drunk. and all i think about is her. everyone reminds me that its not my fault. but why does it feel that way. i know its not.

i just wanted to make her happy. thats all. be there for her. love her.

im just being positive...or maybe its wishful thinking.

but i dont want to be over her...i dont want to give her up.....

torn...

you're makin me CHOOSE? between my heart n my family. i love my family very much, dont put me in this position. ive tried to explain, my side, where im coming from, and you choose not to listen or care or even understand.
theres a few things i cherish in my life, fam n friends. thru my life ive only wanted to be happy. happy with MY choices and HAPPY with my mistakes, cuz i can only learn from them. let me live. let me be. let me love.
but in this case, i want to go with my heart. its never failed me.
family will always be family.

and you say that im immature? im sorry i got a few years on you. AND like i said. ive gone thru soo much that you cant possibly understand. ive grown up. ive did my dirt.
you never seemed happy that i was happy.

its fine hate me. hate ur friends...dont learn to talk things out. ive lost many friends in my life....and often i regret losing those people. sometimes u just gotta suck it up and speak. we live in a social world, we cant make it here alone....and thats what i never wanted to be, alone. but you may have just contributed to it.

ups and downs....

this week has been a rollercoaster of a week. something that a manic depressive would call insane. i live my life with few principles, only to keep it simple because io realized life is simple, its peoples view on the world that make life difficult. live whole-heartedly, love and love everyone important to you and be open to be loved but pretty much live as if there were no tomorrow. so if it seems like i often go overboard with things its because i care that much. its because nothing is ever promised in life. if you want it that bad, do it, take it...whatever way or how. my 6th grade teacher gave me the most doublesided advice ever and ive tried to live it every day of my life. she told me "this is prolly the worst way to phrase it, but someone once told me, 'if your going to be a thief, be the best thief in the world"
i took this in somewhat of a literal sense. but i applied it to many other facets of life. if you love, love with all your heart. thats who i am, thats what kind of person ive grown up to be. my life as with anyone else hasnt been perfect, but ive tried to live the happiest i can be. more often than not, tho ive been making other people happy. for how much that gives me a sense of accomplishment n joy, ive only once enjoyed that happiness reciprocated to me. im always told "dont you want to see them happy?"..."isnt their happiness more important than yours?"
well...its come to the point where...i want to be that happy. can i be selfish without being judged or looked like an asshole? im gettin to the point where i dont care. its been disappointment after disappointment and im pretty shure that ive become some kinda inside joke among my friends and collegues. i often dont mind to be the butt of the joke to make people laugh, but it gets tiresome.
i choose not to dwell in the past, but when something scars your heart soo much, you never forget. you may get over it, but the scartissue remains. without gettin too personal, lets just say i let my friend be "happy". it all turned out to be great for all parties, but i never wanted to experience the hurt that i did to myself again. its happening again to me, and im allowing it.
i dunno, maybe im addicted to just being hurt. cuz if i wanted to i could just let this go. but i dont want to. it hurts, but i do not want to let go...

Negatives to Positives to Negatives

if anything in this life that ive learned is that everyone is NOT CREATED equal, we are all our own individual-selves. what may work for one person may not work for me. im not going to lie, im depressed, im misrable. and yes i get it, people dont like to see me like this. but thru it all ive always have a small tiny bit of positivity. why? Hope. hope...positive and negative. i know you all think im a crazy person, my logic has been overshadowed by my emotions. and im letting it.
to feel love, not matter how much the rejection the heartbreak that it might end in, but to feel it for the split second is better than any feeling in the whole world. im honestly jealous of people who are in love, you feel it, or should feel it all the time.
if it seems like i fall in love soo fast, thats not the case. its because i want to fall in love i want to give it all. why give less than what i have. and believe me i have a lot of love stored up.
alls im saying is let me believe let me hope, cuz in the end one day it'll all be for the better. one day.

The world turns its back on me...

When you smiled you had my undivided attention. When you laughed you had my urge to laugh with you. When you cried you had my urge to hold you. When you said you loved me, you had my heart forever.

for the Umpteenth time....

im back on the salad diet. uppin the workin out. personally, im really not doing it for my health. but i dont wanna be one of the millions of overweight americans who MUST, purchase two tickets if they cant fit in one chair, who MUST shop at XL stores and purchase XXXXL clothings. or be forced to pay thousands in medical bills, or even to be laughed at by young kids on the bus...
while neither of these things i am close too...my reason, Vanity. i just wanna fit into my skinny jeans? word?
now i know that eating right isnt the whole shabang to get into my H&M skinny jeans...a workout is definately needed. so if anyone has an effective workouts i'll take it...sooo far right now im running again, kinda afraid to go to the gym...cuz everyone is puttin in their 15 mins of resolution time. i'll go when everyone breaks their resolutions.

QUOTE!!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. . . . It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.
-- Erica Jong

Cheers

.....i think i love her....










ummm, yea i do

the 1st

i only want to tell you that i love you
i only want to tell you that i care
i want to spend time with you, but things just get in the way
im fearful of what others will say
im afraid that im not what you want
i dont want to be those other guys
i only want to make you happy
as you make me feel