ive heard the phrase before..."God does not put you through what you cant handle" in the last few weeks this prolly has been testedto the limit. it has been an emotional rollercoaster, many glasses of alcohol and many ciggarette. i often say that im becoming Heartless. only because the time of gettin-over it lessens with each situation. am i really or am i just learning not to hold on so much.
i broke down, it was bad, but i got over it. and im fine now. i cant say that i just woke up one day n felt better. but i did have help from a lot of good friends and one special one in particular. life gives you lemons...you're stuck with a bunch of lemons....
but the great thing in life is...there is never a final to anything. when one door closes, another opens up somewhere else. the Summer always ends and the fall begins. the only thing you have to do is find it or wait it out.
id like to hope that i found my door opening. cuz right now thats all i can think about.
the night is always darkest before the dawn.
and to say the biggest breakdown i had in years might turn into the happiest moments of my life....
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Monday, November 9, 2009
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
sleepless in alameda
its 3 am and i just got home from icon. i had a horrilbe night...without gettin too much into detail, i wanted punch this bitch who was bothering me in the DJ booth, i dont hit ladies but i'll shake a bitch. 2nd another actualization of mines came tru, remember that winning record that i spoke about...(2-0) yea well chalk up another win for my intuition n horrilbe fortune. (3-0) thats right, life 3, CMC 0. and i guess i have no one to blame but myself, for feeding into peoples blind faith in my own life. i remember talkin to someone that i didnt want to get "in too deep" so to speak. well i allowed that to happen, my weak self, i thought i was heading somewhere, when i was staying in the same spot. i didnt speak, i didnt say anything its all my fault. and you know what it hurts more that way. i guess my mom was right, i wasnt meant for great or good things.
as i write this, i seriously contempated about quitting. quitting djing. the one thing that i told people can make me happy when im at my worst. but when that doesnt even work, what the hell am i suppose to do. im not quitting cuz im gettin old, im not quitting cuz im untalented it, but because it reminds me everything. and i know i'll see people that will keep reminding me of my failure, over and over again. i said im thinking bout it.
in my current situation, i already have a feeling what people are gonna say..."be happy for that person", "christian you are so selfish". but all that recycles in my head is that when will other people be happy with me or for me myself. when can i be selfish, when i try to be so self-less....and i just get stepped on. lied to. i never really was ever a dick, a douchebag, a liar, a cheater....i never was any of those, but i was and am not perfect, mistakes are made. but in general i am a good guy/person. i may slip up here and there but im a good person.
why am i takin it this hard? ive been thru this before....heartbreakingly too many times.
and why do i even keep trying....
and you know what, i know i havent been favorable with some certain people, if youre gonna talk shit, just do it to my face, i honestly dont care what you have to say to me. its like nothing matters to me now, bring your worst. we may have had our squabbles, but if u feel the need to, go ahead kick me when im already down, hey maybe i deserve it.
and to the other people who just laugh behind my back, keep secrets and really just think im some kind of joke, have your laugh. and i hope youre happy with it. its cool i was never wanted in the status that i am now. i worked hard to get where im at, but if im just some kinda joke to you. so be it, i never thought you guys were my peers anyway, if i quit or not i'll always know in my heart that i was ALWAYS better than you, douchebag.
as i write this, i seriously contempated about quitting. quitting djing. the one thing that i told people can make me happy when im at my worst. but when that doesnt even work, what the hell am i suppose to do. im not quitting cuz im gettin old, im not quitting cuz im untalented it, but because it reminds me everything. and i know i'll see people that will keep reminding me of my failure, over and over again. i said im thinking bout it.
in my current situation, i already have a feeling what people are gonna say..."be happy for that person", "christian you are so selfish". but all that recycles in my head is that when will other people be happy with me or for me myself. when can i be selfish, when i try to be so self-less....and i just get stepped on. lied to. i never really was ever a dick, a douchebag, a liar, a cheater....i never was any of those, but i was and am not perfect, mistakes are made. but in general i am a good guy/person. i may slip up here and there but im a good person.
why am i takin it this hard? ive been thru this before....heartbreakingly too many times.
and why do i even keep trying....
and you know what, i know i havent been favorable with some certain people, if youre gonna talk shit, just do it to my face, i honestly dont care what you have to say to me. its like nothing matters to me now, bring your worst. we may have had our squabbles, but if u feel the need to, go ahead kick me when im already down, hey maybe i deserve it.
and to the other people who just laugh behind my back, keep secrets and really just think im some kind of joke, have your laugh. and i hope youre happy with it. its cool i was never wanted in the status that i am now. i worked hard to get where im at, but if im just some kinda joke to you. so be it, i never thought you guys were my peers anyway, if i quit or not i'll always know in my heart that i was ALWAYS better than you, douchebag.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Christmas/Bday Wish List
its about that time...the weather is getting a Lil colder (no its not) leaves are turning golden, the air fills with the smell of burning wood in chimneys, the stores have all laid out their holiday decor. bust out your coats, scarves and mittens!
along with this time i like to reflect on my year and my upcoming birthday. as i get older, i dont expect to get anything, for christmas and my birthday. lately i've only been asking that my friends all get together and enjoy each others company. that has been pretty much on point. nothing has changed from last year. i still want the same thing, just all my friends to gather and chill. this is prolly gonna be a little bit harder than any other year. first off, two close friends of mine live far, sheena is in florida and vince is in texas. vince said he'll be back, but sheena said its pretty certain she wont be here for the holidays. second off, i've lost a few friends here and there, and before i turn this into some angry blog, i just wanna say that thats their choice, leave it at that. and because of these small issues, im prolly not the most favorable person right, this also created a rift in the fellowship. i tend to like to set ultimatums, but people WHO really know me n understand me, will be there for me. plus i know everyone is broke n shit...so i dont expect people to shell out to do anything that involves money.
but like i said a kick it would be great.
ultimately, i'd like to just be happy during my birthday. lately i havent been myself, i wake up put the smile on and try to get thru my days. something has changed in my life and i guess im not takin it as strong as i'd like too. and its hittin me really hard. soo here it is, my christmas/birthday wish, which no one can buy me or get me...i just want to be happy. take it how u want...
along with this time i like to reflect on my year and my upcoming birthday. as i get older, i dont expect to get anything, for christmas and my birthday. lately i've only been asking that my friends all get together and enjoy each others company. that has been pretty much on point. nothing has changed from last year. i still want the same thing, just all my friends to gather and chill. this is prolly gonna be a little bit harder than any other year. first off, two close friends of mine live far, sheena is in florida and vince is in texas. vince said he'll be back, but sheena said its pretty certain she wont be here for the holidays. second off, i've lost a few friends here and there, and before i turn this into some angry blog, i just wanna say that thats their choice, leave it at that. and because of these small issues, im prolly not the most favorable person right, this also created a rift in the fellowship. i tend to like to set ultimatums, but people WHO really know me n understand me, will be there for me. plus i know everyone is broke n shit...so i dont expect people to shell out to do anything that involves money.
but like i said a kick it would be great.
ultimately, i'd like to just be happy during my birthday. lately i havent been myself, i wake up put the smile on and try to get thru my days. something has changed in my life and i guess im not takin it as strong as i'd like too. and its hittin me really hard. soo here it is, my christmas/birthday wish, which no one can buy me or get me...i just want to be happy. take it how u want...
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