ups and downs....

this week has been a rollercoaster of a week. something that a manic depressive would call insane. i live my life with few principles, only to keep it simple because io realized life is simple, its peoples view on the world that make life difficult. live whole-heartedly, love and love everyone important to you and be open to be loved but pretty much live as if there were no tomorrow. so if it seems like i often go overboard with things its because i care that much. its because nothing is ever promised in life. if you want it that bad, do it, take it...whatever way or how. my 6th grade teacher gave me the most doublesided advice ever and ive tried to live it every day of my life. she told me "this is prolly the worst way to phrase it, but someone once told me, 'if your going to be a thief, be the best thief in the world"
i took this in somewhat of a literal sense. but i applied it to many other facets of life. if you love, love with all your heart. thats who i am, thats what kind of person ive grown up to be. my life as with anyone else hasnt been perfect, but ive tried to live the happiest i can be. more often than not, tho ive been making other people happy. for how much that gives me a sense of accomplishment n joy, ive only once enjoyed that happiness reciprocated to me. im always told "dont you want to see them happy?"..."isnt their happiness more important than yours?"
well...its come to the point where...i want to be that happy. can i be selfish without being judged or looked like an asshole? im gettin to the point where i dont care. its been disappointment after disappointment and im pretty shure that ive become some kinda inside joke among my friends and collegues. i often dont mind to be the butt of the joke to make people laugh, but it gets tiresome.
i choose not to dwell in the past, but when something scars your heart soo much, you never forget. you may get over it, but the scartissue remains. without gettin too personal, lets just say i let my friend be "happy". it all turned out to be great for all parties, but i never wanted to experience the hurt that i did to myself again. its happening again to me, and im allowing it.
i dunno, maybe im addicted to just being hurt. cuz if i wanted to i could just let this go. but i dont want to. it hurts, but i do not want to let go...